Emotions Habits Junk food WeightWatchers

Still mis-behaving – no weigh-in this week…

Hokay, so… it’s been a bad, bad month or two. Not a little bad, but big-time bad. Self-destructive bad. To quote Opus from Bloom County:

“[…]bad, really bad, abominably bad, bad, bad, bad!”Well, maybe not that bad, but Lord! it wasn’t good!”

I don’t even know if I can describe what has been going on. I did a better job of it on my personal journal. The core issue is that I am afraid of what I was becoming. What in the world do I do if I keep losing weight? What happens if I am no longer the big fat guy? What happens if I can buy clothes off the shelf? What happens to me? Who would I be?

Scary, scary questions!

I have been sub-consciously sabotaging myself for a while now. Not just small things, like sneaking a candy in here and there. Really bad things, like having a half-dozen donuts one day ‘cuz someone brought some into the office. Like stopping at a convenience store on the way home and having donuts, candy and chocolate milk. Like having a giant milkshake plus loaded fries plus a cheeseburger for a meal. Insane things, things that are obviously done to hurt myself, now that I can look back at them with an honest eye.

These are all stupid things. These are all demons from my past. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done these. How many times I’ve failed in exactly the same way. It’s not that I should know better than this. It is that I do know better than this. I know damned well the effects of my behavior.

One of my tweeple, @dabobie, suggested that I might feel like I don’t deserve to be healthy, don’t deserve to lose weight. There is definitely a lot of truth in there. I alluded to much of that in a previous entry here, where I suggested that I am a fraud. I had lost a pound even though I wasn’t being very good… At least this time I’ve earned the weight I’ve gained.

It’s hard to say exactly how much I’ve gained without going to WeightWatchers every week. From our home scale, it looks like I’ve gained 7lbs since June. So I have to lose that just to get back to where I was in spring. 🙁

Yeah, all in all, I’m not feeling good about myself right now…

– M

Junk food Meals

Nice dinner substititution: a Weight Watchers Smart Ones enchilada suiza + one WW Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice & Beans in place of two frozen burritos. Yummy!

Diet Junk food Weigh-in WeightWatchers

Surprise weigh-in (April 12, 2011)

This week’s weight: 307.6
Difference from last week: -0.4
This year’s change: +1.6

Start diet today
Image by alancleaver_2000 via Flickr

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. And never be enough of a dunder-head to sabotage yourself! I had made a firm commitment to myself that I would follow the Plan completely, with no cheating, no fudging, no forgetting to track foods. Everything completely by-the-book.

That started on a Tuesday: by Friday I had not seen a loss at all. (On my home scale, of course.) I was very annoyed and discouraged, and I thought to myself: why bother being good? If I am not going to lose, or if I am going to gain weight while sticking to the plan, why not just eat what I want?

Strawberry milkshake
Image via Wikipedia

And so I went on a weekend splurge. Milkshakes! Burgers! Big bags of candy! It was – theoretically – yummy! (I say theoretically because I still face the problems I always do, i.e. things are never as good as I think they will be. ‘cept for the milkshake, that was damned good.)

Walking into WeightWatchers for the weigh-in, I knew what the tale of the scale would be. I figured I was looking at a minimum of a 2lb gain. At least 2lbs. Maybe more like 3lbs. So you can imagine my shock when I saw the result: down 0.4 lbs. DOWN!

Now, I know that you might expect me to be happy about that. A loss is a loss, right? But truth is, inside, I wanted to cry. Or stamp my feet. Because this means I sabotaged myself over the weekend. The first half of my week ended up kicking ass. I might’ve been down 2 or 3lbs if I had kept on keeping on. But since I went on my bender, I not only hurt my health, but I screwed my weigh-in for the week.

What the hell was I thinking? 😥

– M

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