Weigh-in for 12/15: Perceptions

Current weight: 291
Difference from last entry: -3.4
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -44.5

I’ve been thinking a lot about people’s perceptions of me, and my perceptions of me. As I’ve lost a lot of weight (and I have an outside shot at losing 50 pounds this year), I’ve realized that my perception of myself hasn’t changed much. I still see myself as this almost grotesquely overweight person. It is almost impossible for me to realize that I have lost a lot of weight, that I do look a lot thinner than I did. I still assume that people look at me with pity, and that they snicker at me behind my back. Paranoid, true, but I am prone towards paranoia.

What didn’t help is realizing that someone who sees me for the first time will still see me as a big fat guy. 291 pounds is not exactly svelte. When I lose another 50 pounds, there will still be people who think that I am a hippo. It is unavoidable.

What is avoidable, however, is my perception. I need to allow myself to acknowledge the fact that I am thinner than I used to be. I can see the difference in the mirror. I can see the difference in my pants (I am down from a 54 to a 50). I saw the difference squeezing past the narrow space between cubes this week. I am trimmer than before. I know that, logically and factually. I just need to be able to believe that emotionally. I need to internalize that, let it factor into my self image. I don’t know why I am afraid to do that.

I am not all that concerned about the rest of the holiday season. I have always tended to over-eat for Thanksgiving, not so much for christmas. If I can stay away from eggnog, I should be fine. So I don’t need to worry about gaining a ton of weight through the holidays. And once New Year’s Day is past, there’s nothing social or calendar-wise to worry about.  I am not going to allow myself to re-gain this 45 pounds. So why am I afraid to let myself enjoy the changes in my appearance? The changes in my lifestyle?

That’s something I need to consider over the next week.

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