Current weight: 324
Difference from last entry: -6
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -11.5
There is a scene in Stephen King’s The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three where Eddie – who will someday be a protagonist but is currently just a drug addict – and his brother are talking about how easy it would be to break their addiction to heroin. All it would take would be to break their back at a certain location. Eddie then thought, “When the only fast way you could get rid of the monkey on your back was to snap your spinal cord […], you were dealing with one heavy monkey. […] [A] big, mean old baboon.”
That is sorta how I am feeling right now. I am down 6 pounds from my last entry. But that’s not from effort, it’s because I have been sick. I ended up with a bad case of strep throat. I haven’t been able to eat or drink much since Saturday, June 2nd. The end results have me at my lowest weight since December 2005. But when it takes a major strep infection to help me lose weight, then I know that something has gone very, very wrong.
The main question that I keep coming to, over and over again this past week, is: Why do I feel like I need to punish myself via over-eating? It’s a scary thought. And one that I want to try and delve deeper into.
I’m just starting to realize that there’s a lot more behind my current weight than lack of control. Lack of control can be a valid excuse for someone who is 25 pounds overweight. Or 50. Mebbe even 75. But I am a good 125 pounds heavier than where I want to be (and that is still 20 pounds heavier than recommendations for someone my height). And until recently, my weight had been creeping up again. That’s not the sign of someone who is just eating an extra snack or two. That’s the sign of someone who is eating enormous amounts of food on a daily basis. That’s the sign of someone either trying to use eating as a way of coping with something, or of someone using eating as a way to punish themselves for something.
As startlingly personal as this journal sometimes becomes, I do want to set limits on it. And a lot of these issues are things that I am not going to write about here. I am beginning to work towards at least an understanding of the psychological and emotional causes of my overeating. I am not going to share most of those here, though I will try and share any generic insights that I come up with.
On the plus side, no matter how I ended up here, I am now 10 pounds lighter than I was at the start of this year. That’s one goal that I can check off my list. And I am going to give myself a gold star for hitting the goal. While I could gain more weight once my throat stops hurting enough for me to swallow, I don’t have to. I can use 324 pounds as my starting point, and move forward from there. I can start losing from this point on. A loss is a loss, no matter the cause. Here’s to better days.