May 7, 2006 – Feeling down

Weight: 333.5
Difference from last entry: -0.5

First off, let me warn you that this isn’t going to be my most chipper journal update ever. I am quite disappointed with myself at the current time. And I’m not really liking myself right now. That’s not a healthy mindset, and I’m trying to resolve that. Because while being disappointed with oneself can lead one to make positive changes, not liking oneself is almost always a gateway towards doing even more negative things. It’s a trap, one that I am trying to avoid.

So what am I so down about? What trap am I falling into? Well, in an effort to make this journal entry a little less down – and to make myself feel a little better – lemme steal a quote:

“I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat. It’s a vicious cycle. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone I need to get in touch with; meself,” – Fat Bastard, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

It was a joke in the movie, but it is true. There’s a vicious cycle that those of us who are morbidly obese fall in to. We become unhappy and depressed because we are so overweight. But the way that we deal with being depressed is by over-eating, which leads to even more weight gain. Let that cycle repeat a few times and you have major, major problems.

Which is exactly where I am at right now. The depression has been building, slowly but steadily, as I’ve continued to lose control of my eating. And something else happened that I didn’t expect: I’ve reverted to many of my unhealth habits. I didn’t expect it, but should have. I’ve written about how easily and strongly old habits can return here before. Why I wwasn’t on guard for this is a mystery.

It’s been a very strong return to old habits, too. I’ve found myself sitting in my car trying to figure out what convenience store will have the most of my favorite snack foods. Which is scary! That bit of me that relishes in over-eating isn’t happy to have just one unhealthy snack, it wants all of them. I’ve had to talk myself out of eating a candy bar on top of a Hostess pie and chocolate milk. And all the time, I was thinking to myself: What the fuck are you doing?

I’ve known for a couple of weeks now what is going on. I haven’t wanted to admit any of it; I just admitted the way I’m feeling to Erin about an hour ago. The need to hide my feelings, hide what I’m eating, also scares me. It reminds me of the behavior of an alcoholic who tries to hide their drinking from their family. This feels like an addiction, plain and simple.

I have been trying to add some positives back in over this past week/weekend. Thursday I took my son for a walk around our block to the park, and we played outside for a while. Friday, I got up on the treadmill and walked for 10 minutes (‘cuz 10 minutes is better than 0 minutes). Yesterday, we went for another walk around the block and to the park. And we walked over to the playground at the rec center instead of driving.

Those little steps, especially exercise-related little steps, are very good things. And it’s those little steps that I need to concentrate on. As I do a better job of getting in touch with meself.

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