“[...]bad, really bad, abominably bad, bad, bad, bad!”Well, maybe not that bad, but Lord! it wasn’t good!”

I don’t even know if I can describe what has been going on. I did a better job of it on my personal journal. The core issue is that I am afraid of what I was becoming. What in the world do I do if I keep losing weight? What happens if I am no longer the big fat guy? What happens if I can buy clothes off the shelf? What happens to me? Who would I be?

Scary, scary questions!

I have been sub-consciously sabotaging myself for a while now. Not just small things, like sneaking a candy in here and there. Really bad things, like having a half-dozen donuts one day ‘cuz someone brought some into the office. Like stopping at a convenience store on the way home and having donuts, candy and chocolate milk. Like having a giant milkshake plus loaded fries plus a cheeseburger for a meal. Insane things, things that are obviously done to hurt myself, now that I can look back at them with an honest eye.

These are all stupid things. These are all demons from my past. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done these. How many times I’ve failed in exactly the same way. It’s not that I should know better than this. It is that I do know better than this. I know damned well the effects of my behavior.

One of my tweeple, @dabobie, suggested that I might feel like I don’t deserve to be healthy, don’t deserve to lose weight. There is definitely a lot of truth in there. I alluded to much of that in a previous entry here, where I suggested that I am a fraud. I had lost a pound even though I wasn’t being very good… At least this time I’ve earned the weight I’ve gained.

It’s hard to say exactly how much I’ve gained without going to WeightWatchers every week. From our home scale, it looks like I’ve gained 7lbs since June. So I have to lose that just to get back to where I was in spring.

Yeah, all in all, I’m not feeling good about myself right now…

- M

I don’t know why I have to do this at least once every calendar year. This year I think I can actually attribute some of this to stress. It’s been an amazingly stressful couple of months. Since around the start of May, actually. Extended family issues, vacations, layoff worries…

However, I can’t cut myself too big a break. It’s just an excuse. I have to own the fact that I am struggling mightily. And that I need to wrest control back. It’s getting out of control, bad spiral…

HELP!!!!

- M

Image by mdelamerced via Flickr

I ended up losing almost a pound this week. Well, these past three weeks, since it’s been that long since I weighed in. I have had a couple of bad days food-wise in the past week, so I was figuring I’d have a huge, massive weight gain this week. Tons of soda, some donuts, some chocolate milk… I earned a weight gain, dammit!

Instead, I lost weight. Down 0.8lbs since my last weigh-in at the start of the month. So what does this mean?

Image via Wikipedia

I cannot help but feel like a fraud. I have a few good days, more bad days, and I still lost weight. How does that happen? Where’s the logic in that? Am I truly just a fraud?

That ansewr is an easy one: of course not! A person doesn’t trim off 8% of their body weight by being a fraud. Even though my weight loss has mostly leveled off this year (I currently weigh 3 lbs less than I did at the start of the year), I have still lost a ton of weight. Almost 29 lbs, to be exact. That isn’t a fraud, that is dedication and hard work.

So why do I feel like a fraud? Why do I feel like I am just skating by? Pulling one over? Bragging about something that I am not doing?

Related articles

• Catching up – Weigh-in for June 7th, 2011 (weightjournal.com)
• Weigh-in for the first week of December (weightjournal.com)
• Weigh-in for September 15, 2007 (weightjournal.com)
• How to Prevent Sudden Weight Gain (3fatchicks.com)

I haven’t been here very much the last couple of weeks because things have gone absolutely friggin’ weird. I have a teammate at work who is on vacation, which leaves us short-handed for our support hours. This lends itself to some wacky scheduling. I’ve been working mornings some days, evenings the next, working from home then the office then home. Craziness!!!!

This inconsistent schedule has led to disruptions in my personal routines. One of the things that got pushed aside are weight watchers meetings. I haven’t been to once since June 7th. That weigh-in wasn’t exactly a good one. Though it could’ve been much worse, too.

This week’s weigh-in might be pretty bad, actually. The lack of a consistent schedule has had its effect on my eating. Too much eating out, too many snacks, too many sodas. Not good, definitely. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a couple pound gain on the scale. At least I know it is coming!

Things should get back to normal come the week after the holiday. July 11th? Everything will be back to being good.

- M

Image via Wikipedia

You know the phrase “if it doesn’t kill you it just makes you stronger?” Weight management is sort of like that. If you didn’t gain any weight in a week, you’re heading in the right direction. Keeping your weight steady or losing are both positive actions when you are trying to reign in your weight. Try to remember that!

Needless to say, I am quite happy about this result. I was on an up trend for a few weeks there. It was not a good trend, and I needed something, anything, to get that progress headed in the right directly. ‘cuz if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years: it’s just as easy to gain momentum towards gaining weight as it is for losing weight. Any way to break out of that upward trend is a good one.

Now that I have leveled out, the question is: can I get the scale moving down again? Only one way to find out: let’s see what happens next week.

- M

Related articles

• Weigh-in for March 31, 2009: Building motivation (weightjournal.com)
• September 26, 2005 – Different format for this journal (weightjournal.com)

Image via Wikipedia

Dammit, I am not happy with myself right now.  After that awesome weigh-in at the start of the month (when I was down 4.6lbs), I have been trending up. I have given up 1.6lbs now. Which means I am still down 3lbs, but am not trending well. Need to get this back on track! (For visual proof, check out my weight loss graph, either in the nav bar on the right, or clicking this link).

The question that begs is: Can I turn this around? HOW can I turn this around?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am an emotional guy. I cry pretty easy – too easy to keep up a macho image. I had that happen this week. Erin and I were watching the finale of The Biggest Loser. Jay came out, and he looked incredible! So slim! This guy started out at 400lbs. Now he is closing in on 200. If he can do that, why can’t I? It was inspiration, and the idea of me being able to look like that? Yeah, that brought tears to my eyes.

I am stealing an idea that Jay used while he was on The Biggest Loser: writing my week’s goal weight on my arm with a marker. (I am going to write it a little smaller next week. [grin]) The idea – and it’s a good one – is that every time you work out, or any time you go to eat something, you see that goal, and remember to work towards it.

I need it mostly when I am making food choices. I’ve gotten a bit lazy and a bit naughty lately. One of my old habits: stopping at a convenience store and picking up a carton of chocolate milk and some type of pastry. All because I am hungry after work and was too lazy to pack an extra snack. *blegh* I should know better by now! How many years have I been doing this?

(If you answered 14, you win today’s prize.)

Image via Wikipedia

Unfortunately, I am not going to hit the goal I set: to hit 10% at WeightWatchers by May 31st. I would need to be down 5.6 lbs, and that’s just unreasonable to expect. So my mini-goal is to make half of that on the 31st (weigh in at 300.8lbs), and then hit the other half by June 8th (weigh in at 298). It’s attainable. True, that’s on the high side of attainable, but I’ve hit those numbers before.

I’ve just gotta focus on the goal. And I just need to look at my arm to remind me what I am working towards.

- M

Related articles

• Weigh-in: Keep on keepin’ on (weightjournal.com)
• 2011: Right back where I started (weigh-in for 3/15/11) (weightjournal.com)
• Why Checking Weight Every Day Helps Your Diet (3fatchicks.com)
• April 22nd, 2002 (weightjournal.com)

Image by i_gallagher via Flickr

BOO-YAH!!! Please forgive me a little gloating here, but I am pretty sure I deserve at least a little self-indulgent celebrating here. I am down almost 5 pounds!  I am now officially down weight from the start of the year. Throw in a bit of a plateau and a little thing called a Caribbean cruise in there, and I still weigh less now than at the start of the year! I am trending exactly the way I need to be.

I am allowing myself a little extra back-patting this week for another reason: I worked damned hard to lose this weight. I followed the plan, tracked almost everything that I ate, added in some extra activity. Everything I am supposed to do, even when I didn’t want to. I stick with the plan, and the results show that.

Image by Express Monorail via Flickr

Not much else to say for right now, other than to note I am closing in on both my 30lb mark (just need to lose another pound) and my 10% goal (need 4 more lbs to hit that). I do have another vacation to deal with – a trip to California and Disneyland – but I like my chances at keeping control for this one.

For the most part, I’m just going to keep on keepin’ on. And I am going to allow myself to celebrate this loss for a while more. It was epic! And I deserve it.  :)

- M

Related articles

• Still on a plateau (Weigh-in for April 5th, 2011) (weightjournal.com)
• Surprise weigh-in (April 12, 2011) (weightjournal.com)

Image by alancleaver_2000 via Flickr

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. And never be enough of a dunder-head to sabotage yourself! I had made a firm commitment to myself that I would follow the Plan completely, with no cheating, no fudging, no forgetting to track foods. Everything completely by-the-book.

That started on a Tuesday: by Friday I had not seen a loss at all. (On my home scale, of course.) I was very annoyed and discouraged, and I thought to myself: why bother being good? If I am not going to lose, or if I am going to gain weight while sticking to the plan, why not just eat what I want?

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And so I went on a weekend splurge. Milkshakes! Burgers! Big bags of candy! It was – theoretically – yummy! (I say theoretically because I still face the problems I always do, i.e. things are never as good as I think they will be. ‘cept for the milkshake, that was damned good.)

Walking into WeightWatchers for the weigh-in, I knew what the tale of the scale would be. I figured I was looking at a minimum of a 2lb gain. At least 2lbs. Maybe more like 3lbs. So you can imagine my shock when I saw the result: down 0.4 lbs. DOWN!

Now, I know that you might expect me to be happy about that. A loss is a loss, right? But truth is, inside, I wanted to cry. Or stamp my feet. Because this means I sabotaged myself over the weekend. The first half of my week ended up kicking ass. I might’ve been down 2 or 3lbs if I had kept on keeping on. But since I went on my bender, I not only hurt my health, but I screwed my weigh-in for the week.

What the hell was I thinking?

- M