Biffster’s WeightJournal.com

Current weight: 312.4
Difference from last entry: ???
Difference from 2009 starting weight (316.6): -4.2

So another year, another beginning. I decided that I needed to stop depressing myself by seeing just how far off I went in 2008. That means wiping the slate clean. I am starting out a new weight chart (though I am keeping the weight chart I’ve had running since ‘97), and resetting my weight to my first Weight Watchers weigh-in of the year (316.6 pounds). From this point on, I am holding myself accountable.

The bummer is that, over the course of 2008, I gained back 18 pounds. Even though I am going to try to ignore that, I am not stupid. And my memory isn’t that bad. I’ll need to work at this a few months just to undo what I did last year. I hate that I once again let myself go. I am proud of myself for realizing what is going on, and forcing myself back to Weight Watchers, especially when I really don’t want to. I could’ve just ignored this and ended up heavier than when I started Weight Watchers at Work in 2007.

2008 is behind me, for better or for worse. 2009 is going to be my year!

At the WeightWatchers meeting this week, one of the questions for discussion was: “Why do I want to lose weight?” I figured that would make a great topic for a journal entry, so here I am.

Why I want to lose weight:

• So I don’t have a heart attack when I am 40
• So my children are not embarrassed of me when they are of school age
• So I can keep up with my kiddos while we play
• So my wife and I can snuggle closer
• So I have more stamina for physical activities
• So I can wear some of the cool clothes I have stored away in the basement
• So my lower back stops hurting
• So I can finally fit into the Hawaiian shirt that is actually from Hawaii
• So I can feel less self-conscious, and maybe even attractive
• So I can fit into rides at Elitch Gardens
• So I can prove to myself that I can manage my weight

That’s what comes to mind right now. Feel free to leave comments below, sharing the reasons you want to lose weight.

Current weight: 285.5
Difference from last entry: -3.5
Difference from 2008 starting weight (290.5): -5

This was a very interesting week. I’ve had kind of a rough time keeping my snacking under control. Well, strike that. I’ve had a hell of a bad week food-wise. I’ve been snacking, and not making very good choices food-wise in general. For example, on the night of my WeightWatchers weigh-in, I had a spicy chicken sandwich and a double stack from Wendys. Why? ‘cuz I was friggin’ starving. I let too much time go between lunch and dinner. And I didn’t eat enough for lunch. So when it was time for dinner, I grabbed the first things that sounded good to me. And my choice was horrible!

The rest of my week kinda went that way. Not as bad – that was by far my worst meal. But I also have been going above and beyond my Points allotment for the day, and for the week. By all rights, I should have gained weight over this week! But I made one very important change: Exercise!

That’s right: for the first time in a very long time, I actually got in some regular exercise! I actually did this in two ways: First, I started taking the light rail train into work. The parking spot I chose is about a three-minute walk or so from the light rail station. My office is a good 20-25 minute walk from the light rail station. All told, I was getting in a good 40-45 minute walk each day. But that was quite expensive, both money-wise ($6 for a round trip) and time wise (this added a good hour to each leg of my commute). I was going to keep doing this, but it would’ve been a tremendous – and probably silly – thing to do.

I think I mentioned here before that my wife E and I have a new baby. E hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep because of this. I felt bad about waking E up in the morning – one of the few times she can actually get to sleep – to take my shower. I decided that taking my shower somewhere outside of the house would be a good idea. The perfect place to do that would be at the local rec center. And if I would be there to shower, why not exercise?

So exercise I did. I started out with a one-mile walk around the walking track. I added in a little strength training. I finished things up with a good soak in the hot tub. And I was able to get to work by 8:30. Everything worked so well, that I tried it again the next morning. And then two mornings later. By the third morning, I was up to a 35 minute walk! All in all, I felt great, too. Not just after the workout, but for the rest of the day.

All told, I figure I got in 45 minutes of exercise four times over the last week, plus some weight training thrown in, too. All that exercise helped burn up some calories, as can be seen in my weight for this week. I should’ve gained! But instead I lost.

Oh, and by the way: I am now down 50 friggin’ pounds from the start of 2007!!!!

Current weight: 290.5
Difference from last entry: -2
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -45

I just realized that this is my last weigh-in for 2007! The year has come to a close much quicker than I expected. I constantly lose track of time and dates, the days and months go by much faster every year now, and I can never seem to keep up. So realizing that this is the last weigh-in for 2007 really did surprise the heck out of me. Fortunately, I finished on a positive note, to go along with a year of positive notes. It seems apropos to finish the year out with a loss!

So my year finishes down 45 pounds from the start. I have to admit, I am pretty damned proud of myself. I think I’ve earned the right to pat myself on the back. It was a hard struggle. Sometimes it seemed quite easy, but looking back on everything, I actually did do a lot of hard work. It was hard to make myself stay within a range of foods, and a range of portion sizes. As anyone who has read this journal for the past couple of years knows, portions and sweet snacks have always been my downfalls. Giving those up – or at least cutting back on them – was a major challenge for me. I fought against it, I struggled and lost every now and then. But overall, I overcame! I still have to watch myself, because those old habits are easy to fall back in to.

But I haven’t given up. I will never forget. 2007 was my affirmation year, my proof to myself that I can control my weight. That I don’t have to be so god damned fat. That I don’t have to be a slave to my gluttony. I control what I do. I can be strong. I can get past my inherent laziness. 2007 was the year I regained my confidence, 2007 was the year that I turned everything around again.

It’s not just my weight loss that I have to celebrate, either. There are a lot of other benefits from what I have done this year. I am down three pants sizes, from a 54 to a 50 (and am really close to being able to wear 48s). I am down from 3X shirts to 2X. I no longer am completely winded when I walk up a flight of stairs. I was able to fend off the start of diabetes. I can fit in spaces that I used to have to avoid. I can sit in a booth at a restaurant. Other people can see the difference in my appearance. I can see the difference in my appearance! And there are more… initimate… benefits, too.

So, to sum it up: 2007 has been an interesting year. It’s been both wonderful and tough  emotionally. But all in all, I wouldn’t trade 2007 in for anything.

Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s looking forward to a wonderful 2008!

Current weight: 299
Difference from last entry: -3
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -36.5

299!!!

YES! YES!! YES YES YES!!!!!

I am not too proud to admit that I cried when I saw this week’s weigh-in. Though that isn’t the first thing I did. I weighed myself, and could not believe it when the LED said 299.0. So I moved the scale a little bit to the right on the floor, then weighed myself again. I still didn’t believe the 299.0, so I reset the scale and tried again.

When the third reading also came up as 299, I realized that I wasn’t just imagining things. I realized that this was the truth. And I realized that I had met my biggest goal to date! And that’s when I went running as fast as I could up the stairs to share the news with my wife. And it was while E. was hugging me and telling me “Congratulations!” that I choked up. Big time!

And I think I earned those tears! This has been a long, hard road this year, to try and get my weight down. And more than that, to learn how to eat right, how to control portion size, how to find something else besides food to use when I am stressed or emotional. It’s hard to learn a brand new lifestyle! I’ve been trying all year, and I think I am getting a little bit better every day.

That is why this goal meant so much to me. This is why I was so emotional over this milestone. As nice as it is to no longer having to say that I weigh over 300 pounds, the moral victory is worth so much more. This is concrete reassurance, concrete proof that the changes I am making are real, they are earned, and the hard work is worth it in the end.

As I stated last week, this is the least I’ve weighed since 2001. I don’t know exactly when in 2001, though. My records have me weighing in at 295 pounds on July 30, 2001, then the next weigh-in is 310 pounds on March 3, 2002. Somewhere in that 8 month period, I gained 15 pounds. Without the data, it’s just a guess. I will no for certain by the end of the year, when I am below the 295 mark for the first time since July 2001. And I will make that mark.

I did realize that I need to set a new goal, now that I hit my last major goal faster than I expected. There are 9 more weeks in the current Weight Watchers session I am in. That’ll be January 19th or so. My new goal is:

   January 19, 2008: 285 pounds

Wish me luck!

Current weight: 309
Difference from last entry: -2
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): 26.5

I had a very interesting dream last night. I dreamt that I was out traveling somewhere. I stopped at a foodcourt at an airport to get something to eat. The only choices were completely unhealthy, of course. And I decided that I was not only going to have something high-calorie and fatty, but I was also going to have two desserts to go with it. I actually slept in my dream, and when I woke up the next morning I decided that I was going to completely go off of the plan while I was traveling. I figured that, since I was traveling, it was okay to revert back to my old habits.

I think that it is interesting that I am having anxiety dreams that I won’t be able to stick to this plan. And I understand why. I am on a great run. I’ve lost a lot of weight this year, and I feel great about that. I feel absolutely fantastic about it. And I am kinda proud of myself to have gotten this far. So of course I’ll be worried that I am going to screw things up, that I am going to revert back to my old ways. I have done that so many times before. There’s a part of me that really worries about that.

And I probably should, every now and then. The last couple of days this week have been very tempting. I have had some odd cravings at night. Including last night, when I felt like I had to eat something – anything – after dinner last night. which was odd, because I used a whole boatload of points to have one of my comfort foods – QDoba’s steak nachos (27 points!!!). That is a whole lotta food, and I was STUFFED afterwards. So why did I want more? Dunno, but I think it is just old habits, old cravings. Those kind of things die hard.

And I know this. I am watching out for it. I am keeping an eye out on my feelings and my cravings and what drives each. I have been filling rather listless lately, which probably has contributed to my craving for comfort foods. Stress at work figures into that, too. It’s not a bad stress, but it is still stress. Management is stressful by definition, I think. Add all of that up, and comfort foods become very tempting.

Obviously, I haven’t given in to those temptations. I am down another 2 pounds, which puts me at 26.5 so far this year. It also means I broke another decade mark, as I crashed my way into the 30x’s. If I can keep losing at around this pace, I have a very real possibility to hit the 200’s by the end of the year. There are 10 weeks left. If I can lose a single pound each week, that’ll put me at 299 lbs on December 30th. If I didn’t already have a few great reasons to celebrate the end of the year, this would be at the top of the list.

So I have a new goal, a new figure to strive for. 299 by the end of the year.

I can do it.

I will.

-M