Categories
Emotions Weigh-in

May 29, 2002

Weight: 323
Difference from last entry: +4

Hello again, everyone. Sorry that I was gone for a week there. I was actually taking a week off from pretty much everything. At the time, I didn’t know exactly why I was doing so. I have figured it out, though, and have moved on.

And wow, was that cryptic or what? Let me try to be a little less confusing. Basically, I had some things going on in my personal life that were getting me down. I wasn’t allowing myself to realize, however, that I was down, or what the cause was. I started to get depressed, though, and that make me not care about trying to control my weight. So I took a week off. A week off from exercising, from watching what I eat, from talking to people (aside from my wife, of course).

Thanks to my wife, I was able to sit down and figure out just what the heck was going on. I’ve pulled myself out of my depression, and that has helped me to try to get back on track. Fortunately, it was only 4 pounds that I gained. It could’ve been much worse.

This whole situation lends itself nicely to a journal entry. This demonstrates just how much power our emotions have over our weight. If we are depressed (even if we are trying to hide from ourselves), we are going to seek out comfort from somwhere. And those of us with weight problems tend to seek comfort from food.

It’s very important that one has a support system, people one can talk to when they are going through tough times emotionally. Thank goodness, I have Erin. Love ya Sweetheart; thanks again!

– Miguelito

Categories
Emotions Exercise Weigh-in

April 22nd, 2002

Weight: 321
Difference from last entry: +/- 0

Oops! I hope that I didn’t scare anyone here. My last entry is rather depressing, talking about the horrible figure that the scale at work showed me. And then, I disappear for over a week! In the past, when I’ve had major setbacks, I tend to disappear, sometimes for months at a time. I hope I didn’t scare anyone!

Actually, I am just kind of lazy. I didn’t want to post a journal entry without an “official” weigh-in. I can’t do an “official” weigh-in using the scale at work unless I sign a form and hand over an ID at the security station. That seems like far too much work to go through just for a weigh-in. So I didn’t put a journal update because I was too lazy to walk up to the security desk. That’s the kind of week I had.

The week before was actually something of an accomplishment for me. I actually got some exercise in! I walked for 25 minutes on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of that week (the 10th, 11th and 12th). I had a regression last week, not doing any walking at all. But I am trying to make that up this week. I spent the first half of my lunch today walking. I made myself keep going ’til I had a mile under my belt. All in all, I am pleased with my efforts at working exercise back into my routine.

I’ll tell you, there is no better way to judge just how bad weight gain is for a person than to start exercising again. A short walk, which a year ago would’ve barely had my breath quickening, now has me sweating profusely and completely breathless. Walking 25 minutes is a huge exertion on my part; it completely drains me. Just a year ago I could do 40 minutes and then spend some time lifting weights after the walk. Now, I just can’t do it. I am completely out of energy, and have to rest.

In a situation like this, there are two ways that a person could respond. One is to get embarrassed or depressed about the shape I am in and stop exercising. I have been tempted to do this; actually, that is probably exactly what happened last week. The second way is to continue working out, hoping to eventually get myself back into shape (or, at least, into better shape than I am in right now). I am hoping that this is what I am starting again by working out today.

You may notice that this sounds a little wishy-washy. And that is because it is. I cannot commit to anything right now. I am in a strange state of mind. I know what I should do, yet I have a hard time actually doing what I need to do. I know I need to avoid eating the apple pastry that is sitting on our breakfast nook. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t go ahead and eat it anyway. It’s a weird situation to be in; it’s even weirder because I’ve been stuck in this situation for a very long time. It is hard to remember the time when I wasn’t stuck in this.

Speaking about that time, I also am of two minds on the subject of my previous success losing weight. Once upon a time, I was able to lose a hell of a lot of weight. I kept myself under 250 pounds for a couple of years. I am rather proud of that. That was a long time ago, though. And, as the years pass by, I have to wonder if my previous success was a good or a bad thing (as it relates to my current attempts to lose weight).

It could certainly be thought of as a good thing. It is an example, proof that I have the will power within me to gain control of my life. As WeightWatchers would say, this is a trophy in my trophy room. I can take this trophy out every time I am feeling depressed or feel that I need some inspiration, and hopefully draw some inspiration from my past accomplishments.

But this could also be a bad thing. Because, no matter how good the accomplishment was, the fact is that I have gained everything back that I lost. Instead of being a trophy that I can look at for inspiration, this could be a 1,000 ton weight hanging over my head, reminding me of my failure, of my shortcoming.

So what is it? Is it good, or is it bad?

This is where my beliefs come in. Or should come in. Taoism is a religion (or philosophy, if you are argumentative) of balance and harmony. Taoism teaches that EVERYTHING has its good and bad sides. The key to everything is finding the balance of the good and bad (light and dark are more appropriate terms) and living in that harmony.

To apply this belief to the question of my past success: I can use my past success to give me inspiration in times of depression or low-motivation. However, I can also use anger of my failure as inspiration, also. As long as I can actually find the balance and harmony there, everything will be okay.

And my general rule is that, once I start talking about spirituality in a journal entry, it is time to stop typing. So I will stop typing right now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful spring!

– Miguelito

Categories
Diet Emotions Exercise

[Pre-Weight In]

Okay, so I know that it is quite a while since I’ve had a weigh-in. Schedule conflicts have kept me away from Weight Watchers for three weeks now. Which is a bad thing, but also gives me a little big of relief. Because I know that I am not going to like the weigh in. I haven’t been near a scale in almost a month, but I know my body well enough to know that I’ve put on a bit of weight recently. I think I am over the 290 pound mark once again. And once again, I am not taking it well.

I have basically disappointed myself, and that disappointment is hard to take. It makes it hard for me to not be negative. And negativity spells doom in any weight management attempt. Negativity leads to a ton of different emotions, such as sadness, depression, anger. This leaves those of us prone to emotional eating in a quandry, which quickly devolves into a cycle of eating because one feels bad, and feeling bad because one is eating so much. It’s a trap I have been trying to keep myself out of since I started this.

The part that most annoys me is that I apparently haven’t learned anything. There’s been nothing new that has caused me to gain the weight I have recently. As a matter of fact, it is all the OLD traps that I should’ve been able to avoid that have gotten me. It’s getting a pastry and a thing of chocolate milk when I fuel up my car. It’s having a regular soda or lemonade with my meal, instead of water or diet soda. It’s grabbing a candy bar out of the machine at work instead of bringing a more nutritious, less fattening snack from home. It’s having lunch at Burger King instead of Wok’n’Roll. All of these hold habits which I’ve been fighting for the last three years; I just can’t seem to get past them.

About the only thing I can’t fault myself for is my lack of exercise. I was sick, and my body took a while to recover from the cold. I am just now feeling healthy enough to attempt some exercise again. And I came prepared today to do just that. I plan on getting in about a half-hour of exercise today. And then doing the same thing again tomorrow. I have learned one lesson very well: exercise is the key to weight loss. Without exercise, a person isn’t going to have good success at controlling their weight.

I hope that you’ve had a better week or two than I have had! I know that it’ll get better, I know that I’ll come out of this funk. It just won’t be as easy as it usually is.

‘Til next time!