“[...]bad, really bad, abominably bad, bad, bad, bad!”Well, maybe not that bad, but Lord! it wasn’t good!”

I don’t even know if I can describe what has been going on. I did a better job of it on my personal journal. The core issue is that I am afraid of what I was becoming. What in the world do I do if I keep losing weight? What happens if I am no longer the big fat guy? What happens if I can buy clothes off the shelf? What happens to me? Who would I be?

Scary, scary questions!

I have been sub-consciously sabotaging myself for a while now. Not just small things, like sneaking a candy in here and there. Really bad things, like having a half-dozen donuts one day ‘cuz someone brought some into the office. Like stopping at a convenience store on the way home and having donuts, candy and chocolate milk. Like having a giant milkshake plus loaded fries plus a cheeseburger for a meal. Insane things, things that are obviously done to hurt myself, now that I can look back at them with an honest eye.

These are all stupid things. These are all demons from my past. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done these. How many times I’ve failed in exactly the same way. It’s not that I should know better than this. It is that I do know better than this. I know damned well the effects of my behavior.

One of my tweeple, @dabobie, suggested that I might feel like I don’t deserve to be healthy, don’t deserve to lose weight. There is definitely a lot of truth in there. I alluded to much of that in a previous entry here, where I suggested that I am a fraud. I had lost a pound even though I wasn’t being very good… At least this time I’ve earned the weight I’ve gained.

It’s hard to say exactly how much I’ve gained without going to WeightWatchers every week. From our home scale, it looks like I’ve gained 7lbs since June. So I have to lose that just to get back to where I was in spring.

Yeah, all in all, I’m not feeling good about myself right now…

- M

I don’t know why I have to do this at least once every calendar year. This year I think I can actually attribute some of this to stress. It’s been an amazingly stressful couple of months. Since around the start of May, actually. Extended family issues, vacations, layoff worries…

However, I can’t cut myself too big a break. It’s just an excuse. I have to own the fact that I am struggling mightily. And that I need to wrest control back. It’s getting out of control, bad spiral…

HELP!!!!

- M

Image by mdelamerced via Flickr

I ended up losing almost a pound this week. Well, these past three weeks, since it’s been that long since I weighed in. I have had a couple of bad days food-wise in the past week, so I was figuring I’d have a huge, massive weight gain this week. Tons of soda, some donuts, some chocolate milk… I earned a weight gain, dammit!

Instead, I lost weight. Down 0.8lbs since my last weigh-in at the start of the month. So what does this mean?

Image via Wikipedia

I cannot help but feel like a fraud. I have a few good days, more bad days, and I still lost weight. How does that happen? Where’s the logic in that? Am I truly just a fraud?

That ansewr is an easy one: of course not! A person doesn’t trim off 8% of their body weight by being a fraud. Even though my weight loss has mostly leveled off this year (I currently weigh 3 lbs less than I did at the start of the year), I have still lost a ton of weight. Almost 29 lbs, to be exact. That isn’t a fraud, that is dedication and hard work.

So why do I feel like a fraud? Why do I feel like I am just skating by? Pulling one over? Bragging about something that I am not doing?

Related articles

• Catching up – Weigh-in for June 7th, 2011 (weightjournal.com)
• Weigh-in for the first week of December (weightjournal.com)
• Weigh-in for September 15, 2007 (weightjournal.com)
• How to Prevent Sudden Weight Gain (3fatchicks.com)

I haven’t been here very much the last couple of weeks because things have gone absolutely friggin’ weird. I have a teammate at work who is on vacation, which leaves us short-handed for our support hours. This lends itself to some wacky scheduling. I’ve been working mornings some days, evenings the next, working from home then the office then home. Craziness!!!!

This inconsistent schedule has led to disruptions in my personal routines. One of the things that got pushed aside are weight watchers meetings. I haven’t been to once since June 7th. That weigh-in wasn’t exactly a good one. Though it could’ve been much worse, too.

This week’s weigh-in might be pretty bad, actually. The lack of a consistent schedule has had its effect on my eating. Too much eating out, too many snacks, too many sodas. Not good, definitely. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a couple pound gain on the scale. At least I know it is coming!

Things should get back to normal come the week after the holiday. July 11th? Everything will be back to being good.

- M

Image via Wikipedia

You know the phrase “if it doesn’t kill you it just makes you stronger?” Weight management is sort of like that. If you didn’t gain any weight in a week, you’re heading in the right direction. Keeping your weight steady or losing are both positive actions when you are trying to reign in your weight. Try to remember that!

Needless to say, I am quite happy about this result. I was on an up trend for a few weeks there. It was not a good trend, and I needed something, anything, to get that progress headed in the right directly. ‘cuz if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years: it’s just as easy to gain momentum towards gaining weight as it is for losing weight. Any way to break out of that upward trend is a good one.

Now that I have leveled out, the question is: can I get the scale moving down again? Only one way to find out: let’s see what happens next week.

- M

Related articles

• Weigh-in for March 31, 2009: Building motivation (weightjournal.com)
• September 26, 2005 – Different format for this journal (weightjournal.com)

Image via Wikipedia

Dammit, I am not happy with myself right now.  After that awesome weigh-in at the start of the month (when I was down 4.6lbs), I have been trending up. I have given up 1.6lbs now. Which means I am still down 3lbs, but am not trending well. Need to get this back on track! (For visual proof, check out my weight loss graph, either in the nav bar on the right, or clicking this link).

The question that begs is: Can I turn this around? HOW can I turn this around?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am an emotional guy. I cry pretty easy – too easy to keep up a macho image. I had that happen this week. Erin and I were watching the finale of The Biggest Loser. Jay came out, and he looked incredible! So slim! This guy started out at 400lbs. Now he is closing in on 200. If he can do that, why can’t I? It was inspiration, and the idea of me being able to look like that? Yeah, that brought tears to my eyes.

I am stealing an idea that Jay used while he was on The Biggest Loser: writing my week’s goal weight on my arm with a marker. (I am going to write it a little smaller next week. [grin]) The idea – and it’s a good one – is that every time you work out, or any time you go to eat something, you see that goal, and remember to work towards it.

I need it mostly when I am making food choices. I’ve gotten a bit lazy and a bit naughty lately. One of my old habits: stopping at a convenience store and picking up a carton of chocolate milk and some type of pastry. All because I am hungry after work and was too lazy to pack an extra snack. *blegh* I should know better by now! How many years have I been doing this?

(If you answered 14, you win today’s prize.)

Image via Wikipedia

Unfortunately, I am not going to hit the goal I set: to hit 10% at WeightWatchers by May 31st. I would need to be down 5.6 lbs, and that’s just unreasonable to expect. So my mini-goal is to make half of that on the 31st (weigh in at 300.8lbs), and then hit the other half by June 8th (weigh in at 298). It’s attainable. True, that’s on the high side of attainable, but I’ve hit those numbers before.

I’ve just gotta focus on the goal. And I just need to look at my arm to remind me what I am working towards.

- M

Related articles

• Weigh-in: Keep on keepin’ on (weightjournal.com)
• 2011: Right back where I started (weigh-in for 3/15/11) (weightjournal.com)
• Why Checking Weight Every Day Helps Your Diet (3fatchicks.com)
• April 22nd, 2002 (weightjournal.com)

Image by shiner.clay via Flickr

In a previous post this week, I mentioned that my all-time favorite exercise period so far was riding a bike along Venice Beach in California. I had so much fun! But it was also a little scary, since I hadn’t been on a bike in a decade (give or take). Okay, maybe more than a little scary…

When I first stopped riding a bike, it wasn’t something I set out to do. The last time I rode a bike, I didn’t stop and say “Ayup, I’m not doing that again.” I had every intention of riding again the next day, or the next week, or definitely the next month. Time has a way of getting away from a person, though. And that’s what happened. A couple of months went by, and that turned into a year, and we get to this point.

Somewhere along the way, though, I started to become afraid of getting on a bike again. When I was a teenager, I was riding a bike down a hill. I stupidly thought I could ride down it hands-free. I thought damn, I look cool! And then I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to stop at the stop sign at the bottom of the hill if I didn’t grab the handlebars and hit the brakes.

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I was right, I couldn’t stop for the stop sign. I went straight through it and ran smack dab into the side of a truck. The thud was sickening, the world stopped for a second, and suddenly I was on the asphalt. I stared up at the sky, wondering if what I thought happened had actually happened. The driver of the truck came running around to see if I was all right.

Obviously I was all right. Just had some bumps and scrapes and bruises. But that memory stuck with me. I was able to block out that image by riding my bike a lot more. Get right back up on that horse, right? I rode through my high school and college years. But once I stopped riding? From that point on, when I think of a bicycle, I think of slamming into the side of a car while going a good 15-20mph.

Back to the present: The city of Denver started a bicycle sharing program called Denver B-Cycle. The concept is as simple as it sounds. A person pays a token amount of money to rent a bicycle. You can then ride it throughout the city, returning the bike to any of the numerous B-Cycle stations around the city. It’s an easy way to get in some exercise without having to lug a bike in to work.

Ever since I heard of the B-Cycle program I’ve wanted to do it. I’ve come close – one day I actually planned on taking my bicycle helmet with me to work. I can’t get up the courage to do so, though. I imagine myself riding on that bike. I see myself hitting the brakes too late, riding out into the middle of the busy streets around my office building. I see myself not getting lucky this time, and running out in front of a car instead of smashing into the side of it.

As I sit here, I have two dueling thoughts running through my head. I want to start riding bicycles around town. I’m afraid I’ll get hit by a vehicle if I do. How do I reconcile these?

- M

Route

One of the things that we ended up doing during our recent California vacation was taking a bike ride. I wasn’t up for it at first: I was tired and just wanted to take a nap. But right as Erin was about to leave, I figured y’know, I really should do this so I jumped up and said “I wanna go too!!!”

I was mortified when I hopped on a bike. It was all I could do to not crash into the wall! I am trying to remember the last time I had ridden a bicycle…. had to be at least 10 years ago or so. I was worried that the old saying was false, and that one can forget how to ride a bike.

Image via Wikipedia

I was wrong, of course, and after a couple of minutes I was right back in the saddle. We got our group together and then got on the road.

The map above shows our route. We started out at the Marina International hotel in Marina del Rey. We had to ride a few blocks on city streets to get out to Venice Beach. From there, it was all bike path.

The weather was just about perfect. Not too hot, a cool breeze coming off the sea, clouds to keep the sun from growing too bright… Lots of lovely bodies to look at on the beach too, of course. And don’t look at me like that! If one goes out on Venice Beach, one has to expect to see attractive people. That’s part of the allure of the beach!

According to Google Maps, it’s a bit over 4 miles each way. My legs were feeling it on the way back home, too. I am one out-of-shape Biffster. Still, I managed to go the whole route without having to walk the bike. I kept up a very good pace – even passing people! – and I still had energy left for the rest of the day when we got back to the hotel.

None of that really matters, though. The important thing is: we had fun! It was fun to get outside and get some exercise in. I would’ve never, ever thought I’d say that.  :)

- M

Long-time readers know that I continually flirt with the Mediterranean Diet. I like the idea, I love that the diet is heart-friendly, and I truly love that this is a diet in style-sense, not in weight-loss sense.

My problem is not having the food stuffs that I need for the Med diet on-hand at home. And I never know what to buy when I am at the grocery store. So I did a quick Google search to find suggestions for what to put on a shopping list. Lo and behold, I found an actual printable shopping list!

No need to carry your Advanced Mediterranean book to the store with you now.  Just print out the grocery list PDF on your printer holding standard 8.5 x 11-inch paper.

PDF (direct link)

via Printable documents for the Advanced Mediterranean Diet.

Now that I have the stuff I need to eat according to the diet, it’ll be much easier to actually do it. At least part of the time.