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What is wrong with me

DIPOkay, this is getting ridiculous. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything remotely close to being healthy. I have continued to eat like the proverbial pig. My activity level is down to almost nothing. I have totally and completely stopped caring for myself. Do you want to talk about a total collapse? All you have to do is listen to my story. I’m providing the definition.

I have been lazy and unwilling to work at this. I’ve paid lip service to wanting to get healthy, but I haven’t actually done anything at all to get there. That’s a common theme on the few posts I’ve made here in 2012. How can I expect things to improve if don’t make the changes? Am I expecting to just snap my fingers and have everything be better?

Yes, I have a lot of questions and no answers this evening. No answers at all.

I do think that part of my problem is a scary lack of self-worth right now. I don’t feel like I deserve to be healthy. That is one scary thought to have. I don’t know for certain what got me to this point, but I definitely don’t like it.

🙁

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Hooray, I hit my goal! Highest weight ever!!!

Oh, no, wait, that really isn’t a good thing. That’s just about the worst thing ever, actually. But in a really sick way, that was one of my goals. I’ve given up completely (in case that wasn’t already obvious). I realized that my weight has been skyrocketing out of control. I was very close to my highest weight ever. My challenge somehow became to break that mark.

I did it. 336. Horrible, disgusting, life-threatening. Scary.

I am so out-of-control right now that it is literally scary.