12 Aug

Still mis-behaving – no weigh-in this week…

Hokay, so… it’s been a bad, bad month or two. Not a little bad, but big-time bad. Self-destructive bad. To quote Opus from Bloom County:

“[…]bad, really bad, abominably bad, bad, bad, bad!”Well, maybe not that bad, but Lord! it wasn’t good!”

I don’t even know if I can describe what has been going on. I did a better job of it on my personal journal. The core issue is that I am afraid of what I was becoming. What in the world do I do if I keep losing weight? What happens if I am no longer the big fat guy? What happens if I can buy clothes off the shelf? What happens to me? Who would I be?

Scary, scary questions!

I have been sub-consciously sabotaging myself for a while now. Not just small things, like sneaking a candy in here and there. Really bad things, like having a half-dozen donuts one day ‘cuz someone brought some into the office. Like stopping at a convenience store on the way home and having donuts, candy and chocolate milk. Like having a giant milkshake plus loaded fries plus a cheeseburger for a meal. Insane things, things that are obviously done to hurt myself, now that I can look back at them with an honest eye.

These are all stupid things. These are all demons from my past. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done these. How many times I’ve failed in exactly the same way. It’s not that I should know better than this. It is that I do know better than this. I know damned well the effects of my behavior.

One of my tweeple, @dabobie, suggested that I might feel like I don’t deserve to be healthy, don’t deserve to lose weight. There is definitely a lot of truth in there. I alluded to much of that in a previous entry here, where I suggested that I am a fraud. I had lost a pound even though I wasn’t being very good… At least this time I’ve earned the weight I’ve gained.

It’s hard to say exactly how much I’ve gained without going to WeightWatchers every week. From our home scale, it looks like I’ve gained 7lbs since June. So I have to lose that just to get back to where I was in spring. ­čÖü

Yeah, all in all, I’m not feeling good about myself right now…

– M

01 Aug

Nice dinner substititution: a Weight Watchers Smart Ones enchilada suiza + one WW Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice & Beans in place of two frozen burritos. Yummy!

01 Aug

Jumping ship – again

Dunno what this week’s weigh-in is, ‘cuz I haven’t stopped by a WeightWatchers meeting in a while now. I don’t know how, but I managed to let myself┬ácompletely┬ástop caring about my weight. I am eating poorly, very poorly. Lotsa stuff that I know I should only eat in moderation – some things that I don’t actually necessarily want, but that seem to be sweet enough to sooth me for a bit.

I don’t know why I have to do this at least once every calendar year. This year I think I can actually attribute some of this to stress. It’s been an amazingly stressful couple of months. Since around the start of May, actually. Extended family issues, vacations, layoff worries…

However, I can’t cut myself too big a break. It’s just an excuse. I have to own the fact that I am struggling mightily. And that I need to wrest control back. It’s getting out of control, bad spiral…

HELP!!!!

– M