Biffster’s WeightJournal.com

Current weight: 290.5
Difference from last entry: -2
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -45

I just realized that this is my last weigh-in for 2007! The year has come to a close much quicker than I expected. I constantly lose track of time and dates, the days and months go by much faster every year now, and I can never seem to keep up. So realizing that this is the last weigh-in for 2007 really did surprise the heck out of me. Fortunately, I finished on a positive note, to go along with a year of positive notes. It seems apropos to finish the year out with a loss!

So my year finishes down 45 pounds from the start. I have to admit, I am pretty damned proud of myself. I think I’ve earned the right to pat myself on the back. It was a hard struggle. Sometimes it seemed quite easy, but looking back on everything, I actually did do a lot of hard work. It was hard to make myself stay within a range of foods, and a range of portion sizes. As anyone who has read this journal for the past couple of years knows, portions and sweet snacks have always been my downfalls. Giving those up – or at least cutting back on them – was a major challenge for me. I fought against it, I struggled and lost every now and then. But overall, I overcame! I still have to watch myself, because those old habits are easy to fall back in to.

But I haven’t given up. I will never forget. 2007 was my affirmation year, my proof to myself that I can control my weight. That I don’t have to be so god damned fat. That I don’t have to be a slave to my gluttony. I control what I do. I can be strong. I can get past my inherent laziness. 2007 was the year I regained my confidence, 2007 was the year that I turned everything around again.

It’s not just my weight loss that I have to celebrate, either. There are a lot of other benefits from what I have done this year. I am down three pants sizes, from a 54 to a 50 (and am really close to being able to wear 48s). I am down from 3X shirts to 2X. I no longer am completely winded when I walk up a flight of stairs. I was able to fend off the start of diabetes. I can fit in spaces that I used to have to avoid. I can sit in a booth at a restaurant. Other people can see the difference in my appearance. I can see the difference in my appearance! And there are more… initimate… benefits, too.

So, to sum it up: 2007 has been an interesting year. It’s been both wonderful and tough  emotionally. But all in all, I wouldn’t trade 2007 in for anything.

Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s looking forward to a wonderful 2008!

Current weight: 292.5
Difference from last entry: +1.5
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -43

Okay, did I really say that I don’t have as much of a problem eating over the Christmas holiday? Turns out that I am a moron! This Christmas has turned out to be much more challenging than i expected. I posted earlier this week about  my waning motivation. That, combined with temptation, stress and depression proved far too much to be overcome. So I gave in a little, and over-indulged a little. Nothing completely out of control. Well, maybe Christmas Eve. But otherwise, nothing totally out of control. Just too much pecking, too much nibbling, too much forgetting some of my hard-learned lessons. In other words, I let my guard down.

I have been watching my weight obsessively since Saturday. Checking the scale each day, hoping that it won’t show more weight. It’s not like me, and probably is just a manifestation of my current state of mind. I am hoping that my brain finds a balance sometime soon. I hate being this off.

Lessons learned this week: No matter what, track how much food I eat! It’s during the times when I am over-eating that it is most important to keep a food journal. It is during those times that I don’t want to keep track of what I am eating that I should be doing so.

And one exercise tip: shopping! Wandering around a mall for an hour is an hour of casual walking!

For the first time in a long time, I am feeling my motivation taking a dangerous turn. I am not quite certain why, but I am feeling like snacking all the time. I am actively talking myself out of exercising. It is like someone flipped a switch, and all of my bad habits are trying to make their way back into my life. And I am aiding them, by not forcing myself to do the things that I need to do. I sometimes make it too easy for me to not do what I need to do. To give up, to quit, to take the easy path. I need to fight against that. I have to make sure that I keep fighting.

I am trying to re-define what my anchor means to me. The TARDIS key has served me well, lo these many years. But I have had it long enough that it is kinda losing its symbolism. It is sort of the same thing that happened with my wedding ring. I love my wedding ring, and it means the world to me. But I am so used to having it with me  that I don’t notice it. Which means that it doesn’t serve as the reminder that it should. An anchor should be something that you notice, that kinda pokes itself into you and says, “hey dummy! Remember your promise to yourself!” If something is easily ignored, then it doesn’t make a good anchor.

So I am trying to do two things: First, I am trying to consciously notice that I have my TARDIS key around my neck. And then, I am trying to redefine what it is reminding me of. Instead of just a generic “do this,” I want it to remind me of my current mantra: “don’t give up, and never forget.” I just need to repeat this to myself, over and over. And to hold onto my anchor when times are tough.

Motivation will wax and wane. I’ve been lucky so far this summer and fall. My motivation has been strong so far, and losing the weight that I have lost has been relatively easy. (I actually wrote about that earlier this month). Now the real challenge begins.

I am pretty certain I am up to it.

Current weight: 291
Difference from last entry: -3.4
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -44.5

I’ve been thinking a lot about people’s perceptions of me, and my perceptions of me. As I’ve lost a lot of weight (and I have an outside shot at losing 50 pounds this year), I’ve realized that my perception of myself hasn’t changed much. I still see myself as this almost grotesquely overweight person. It is almost impossible for me to realize that I have lost a lot of weight, that I do look a lot thinner than I did. I still assume that people look at me with pity, and that they snicker at me behind my back. Paranoid, true, but I am prone towards paranoia.

What didn’t help is realizing that someone who sees me for the first time will still see me as a big fat guy. 291 pounds is not exactly svelte. When I lose another 50 pounds, there will still be people who think that I am a hippo. It is unavoidable.

What is avoidable, however, is my perception. I need to allow myself to acknowledge the fact that I am thinner than I used to be. I can see the difference in the mirror. I can see the difference in my pants (I am down from a 54 to a 50). I saw the difference squeezing past the narrow space between cubes this week. I am trimmer than before. I know that, logically and factually. I just need to be able to believe that emotionally. I need to internalize that, let it factor into my self image. I don’t know why I am afraid to do that.

I am not all that concerned about the rest of the holiday season. I have always tended to over-eat for Thanksgiving, not so much for christmas. If I can stay away from eggnog, I should be fine. So I don’t need to worry about gaining a ton of weight through the holidays. And once New Year’s Day is past, there’s nothing social or calendar-wise to worry about.  I am not going to allow myself to re-gain this 45 pounds. So why am I afraid to let myself enjoy the changes in my appearance? The changes in my lifestyle?

That’s something I need to consider over the next week.

I learned something very important, which I should know by heart by now: I really need to watch my choice of drinks. Some things just have an amazing amount of calories – which equates to a very high number of Points. And it turns out to be even more than I try to guesstimate. For example, Starbucks Eggnog Latte. I figured that this would be a whole lot of points, so I ordered a Tall (Starbucks smallest non-child size). And it was a bad, bad move. I figured, at max this would be 5 Points. Turns out it is 9 friggin’ Points!!! What the hell is up with a teeny, tiny 12-oz latte clocking in at more points than many meals? It’s just not worth it, not worth it at all.

Current weight: 294.4
Difference from last entry: -0.6
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -41.1

So here’s the deal: I didn’t gain any weight. And this is the kind of weight loss that I give my friends kudos about. It is still actual, measurable weight loss. It’s continued progress in the right direction. I need to give myself a pat on the back or continuing to lose weight. Especially since I had a rough week, both food and emotion-wise. I do have to admit that I am disappointed though.

Food-wise, I’ve been wanting to snack a lot more than I want to admit. I dunno why, but I’ve gone from finding it easy not to be tempted to suddenly finding temptation everywhere. Which is kinda what I expected to happen eventually. If it were always easy to avoid over-eating, I wouldn’t have gained all of the weight that I did. I know that there will he hard times. I’ve found myself wanting to snack, mostly on sweets. Gingerbread, cheese, pudding, cake… I dunno if it is the time of the year or what.

I’m trying to work my way around it two ways: by realizing what I am craving, and trying to determine what is causing those cravings. If it is because I’m hungry, I have a little snack. If it is because I am feeling deprived, then I allow myself a little something (e.g. a Weight Watchers 1-pt cake). If it is some other emotion, I’ll try and figure out what I need to do to handle that emotion in a healthier way.

It’s a very stressful time right now, as we head closer and closer to having our third child. There’s good and bad stress, between worrying that there could be problems to imagining how wonderful it will be to hold my daughter in my arms. It’s a great place to be, but it is also easy to use food to help me deal with that stress. I admit that I’ve succumbed a little to that already. I need to find other ways to fret, other ways to hope and enjoy.

As I said earlier, I am also disappointed at only losing a half a pound this week. How could I not be? I’ve lost a bunch of weight every week since I started with Weight Watchers. I love seeing those 2-3 pound losses. And even though realistically I am going to have quite a few of these low-loss weeks (and probably a week every now and then where I either don’t lose or gain a little), I am still disappointed. I want to see that weight go down each and every week!

I know, I am being silly. I will enjoy the fact that, even after a tough week where I didn’t do my best, I still lost weight. And I’ll look forward to the week ahead.