29 Sep

Weigh-in for September 29, 2007: Oh so close!

Current weight: 316.5
Difference from last entry: -3
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -19

What a fun week! It’s been kind of exciting, because I knew that I was doing well. I knew that I was sticking to my plan, so I knew that I would be losing weight. And I knew that this was because of my conscious effort to change my behaviors. I’ve gotta tell you, after all these years of re-gaining weight, losing again – and losing by working at it – feels great. It feels like a major accomplishment! And while this may sound a little vain, I’ll say it anyway: I’ve done a great job so far!

I am almost down 20 pounds from the start of the year. And every time I pick up a 10-lb bag of flour to test our scale, I realize just how much weight that is! I am still obese, but I weigh a hell of a lot less now than I did in January. I am making progress, and I am doing it the right way: slowly, carefully, and by changing my habits, not by going on some fad diet that I’d never be able to stick to.

I’ve done a few things this week that I need to make a permanent part of my life. First of all, I’ve been getting in a little more exercise. Twice this week, when I got home from work, C and I changed into comfy clothes and went for a walk to a local park. C loves to get out and play; he doesn’t even realize that we are exercising. My body notices it, though, and relishes it. I’ve been too sedentary for far too long. My body is letting me know that I need to get up and get moving.

I have also greatly reduced my trips to fast-food restaurants. This has always been one of my major challenges, especially in the morning. I love to have breakfast out, to eat it at my desk. The bad thing is: there are very few fast-food places that make healthy breakfasts. Any that do serve things like yogurt and granola, or oatmeal, or fruit plates. This is all stuff I can easily make/bring from home. And so I do! It’s been a while since I’ve stopped for breakfast in the morning. And I am getting used to it quite rapidly.

One thing that has helped amazingly is our new espresso machine. I think I mentioned that I splurged on bought us a Breville Cafe Roma. It’s been fantastic. I can make damned good lattes in the morning, now, so there’s no need for me to stop at one of the local coffee shops. And when I don’t stop there, the temptation to either grab a super-sweet, calorie packed snack or to stop at a fast-food restaurant is greatly reduced.

Now this isn’t to say that I’ll never eat out for breakfast. Every now and then I will, to indulge a craving, or just to add some variety. But my key goal is to not do so regularly. and definitely nowhere near as often as I was. I can see the difference that makes in both my waistline and my wallet. Those’re both good reasons to stop, or at least cut down rapidly.

All in all, this has been a great week. I’m looking forward to more to come!

22 Sep

Weigh-in for September 22, 2007

Current weight: 319.5
Difference from last entry: -3.5
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -16

To quote Bender, “OH YOUR GOD!!!” I did it! I made one of my major minor goals, and got below the 320 pound mark! I DID IT!!! I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel right now. As nice as it is to see the total number of pounds that I’ve lost going up, crossing weight boundaries is much more concrete to me. It gives me a greater sense of accomplishment. I like that I’ve lost 16 pounds since the start of the year. But I am ecstatic that my weight is actually below 320!

I had to look this up in my spreadsheet to see the last time I weighed less than 320 pounds. It was March of 2004. After that, I started an uphill climb that really never stopped until tihs year. I had been slowly but steadily gaining weight. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I was feeling very discouraged about this. And the fact that I always seem to shoot myself in the foot when it comes to losing weight. I lose a little, figure that I can continue on my own, then gain back everything I’ve lost and more. This has really depressed me lately. Especially once I realized how ashamed I am of what I have done to myself.

However, things feel a lot different now. I know it is dangerous to tie how I am feeling to what the scale shows. But I also think it is good to acknowledge one’s successes. And this is most definitely a success. And a milestone I’ve been looking forward to. I will feel just as ecstatic when I cross the 310 boundary. And I can’t even begin to say how joyous I’ll feel once my weight crosses over into the 200s. I can see that happening, and know that it will be happening soon, maybe by the end of the year. That is a thrilling thought.

In the Weight Watchers meeting this week, we discussed visualizing outcomes. I have always thought that the key was visualizing myself losing weight. But apparently, the more successful method is to visualize myself after I’ve lost weight. So instead of seeing myself continuing to lose weight to get down to 309, I should be picturing myself fitting into a smaller pants size, being able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, etc. And instead of seeing myself chipping away towards 299, I should be picturing myself dancing in joy and celebrating the fact that I am finally under 300 pounds.

I think I can do that. It’ll make me misty with happiness.

But I think I deserve some tears of joy. 😀

20 Sep

Weight and shame

I was talking to a counselor yesterday, discussing my weight and the fact that I can’t seem to talk about it lately without getting all teary-eyed and stuff. I told him that I wasn’t really sure why I got that way, and he asked me one seemingly simple question: could it be shame? It took a while for that question to sink in. But once it did, it just about floored me. Because I am ashamed of what I have done to myself. I am embarrassed about the way that I look, how much weight I’ve gained, my lack of self control…

I mentioned a few entries back that I had used all my previous journal entries to make a cool bit of infoporn about my weight. With 10 years worth of data, I found some very interesting trends. But what has me so torn apart – almost devastated – is the fact that I am currently 30 pounds heavier than I was when I decided I absolutely had to lose weight. Back in 1997. That’s bad, very bad.

The more I look at the chart, the more depressed I get. I see so much hard work eaten away. I see concretely what has happened, how I got to be this obese. And it just tears me apart.