Biffster’s WeightJournal.com

Current weight: 316.5
Difference from last entry: -3
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -19

What a fun week! It’s been kind of exciting, because I knew that I was doing well. I knew that I was sticking to my plan, so I knew that I would be losing weight. And I knew that this was because of my conscious effort to change my behaviors. I’ve gotta tell you, after all these years of re-gaining weight, losing again – and losing by working at it – feels great. It feels like a major accomplishment! And while this may sound a little vain, I’ll say it anyway: I’ve done a great job so far!

I am almost down 20 pounds from the start of the year. And every time I pick up a 10-lb bag of flour to test our scale, I realize just how much weight that is! I am still obese, but I weigh a hell of a lot less now than I did in January. I am making progress, and I am doing it the right way: slowly, carefully, and by changing my habits, not by going on some fad diet that I’d never be able to stick to.

I’ve done a few things this week that I need to make a permanent part of my life. First of all, I’ve been getting in a little more exercise. Twice this week, when I got home from work, C and I changed into comfy clothes and went for a walk to a local park. C loves to get out and play; he doesn’t even realize that we are exercising. My body notices it, though, and relishes it. I’ve been too sedentary for far too long. My body is letting me know that I need to get up and get moving.

I have also greatly reduced my trips to fast-food restaurants. This has always been one of my major challenges, especially in the morning. I love to have breakfast out, to eat it at my desk. The bad thing is: there are very few fast-food places that make healthy breakfasts. Any that do serve things like yogurt and granola, or oatmeal, or fruit plates. This is all stuff I can easily make/bring from home. And so I do! It’s been a while since I’ve stopped for breakfast in the morning. And I am getting used to it quite rapidly.

One thing that has helped amazingly is our new espresso machine. I think I mentioned that I splurged on bought us a Breville Cafe Roma. It’s been fantastic. I can make damned good lattes in the morning, now, so there’s no need for me to stop at one of the local coffee shops. And when I don’t stop there, the temptation to either grab a super-sweet, calorie packed snack or to stop at a fast-food restaurant is greatly reduced.

Now this isn’t to say that I’ll never eat out for breakfast. Every now and then I will, to indulge a craving, or just to add some variety. But my key goal is to not do so regularly. and definitely nowhere near as often as I was. I can see the difference that makes in both my waistline and my wallet. Those’re both good reasons to stop, or at least cut down rapidly.

All in all, this has been a great week. I’m looking forward to more to come!

Current weight: 319.5
Difference from last entry: -3.5
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -16

To quote Bender, “OH YOUR GOD!!!” I did it! I made one of my major minor goals, and got below the 320 pound mark! I DID IT!!! I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel right now. As nice as it is to see the total number of pounds that I’ve lost going up, crossing weight boundaries is much more concrete to me. It gives me a greater sense of accomplishment. I like that I’ve lost 16 pounds since the start of the year. But I am ecstatic that my weight is actually below 320!

I had to look this up in my spreadsheet to see the last time I weighed less than 320 pounds. It was March of 2004. After that, I started an uphill climb that really never stopped until tihs year. I had been slowly but steadily gaining weight. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I was feeling very discouraged about this. And the fact that I always seem to shoot myself in the foot when it comes to losing weight. I lose a little, figure that I can continue on my own, then gain back everything I’ve lost and more. This has really depressed me lately. Especially once I realized how ashamed I am of what I have done to myself.

However, things feel a lot different now. I know it is dangerous to tie how I am feeling to what the scale shows. But I also think it is good to acknowledge one’s successes. And this is most definitely a success. And a milestone I’ve been looking forward to. I will feel just as ecstatic when I cross the 310 boundary. And I can’t even begin to say how joyous I’ll feel once my weight crosses over into the 200s. I can see that happening, and know that it will be happening soon, maybe by the end of the year. That is a thrilling thought.

In the Weight Watchers meeting this week, we discussed visualizing outcomes. I have always thought that the key was visualizing myself losing weight. But apparently, the more successful method is to visualize myself after I’ve lost weight. So instead of seeing myself continuing to lose weight to get down to 309, I should be picturing myself fitting into a smaller pants size, being able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, etc. And instead of seeing myself chipping away towards 299, I should be picturing myself dancing in joy and celebrating the fact that I am finally under 300 pounds.

I think I can do that. It’ll make me misty with happiness.

But I think I deserve some tears of joy.

I was talking to a counselor yesterday, discussing my weight and the fact that I can’t seem to talk about it lately without getting all teary-eyed and stuff. I told him that I wasn’t really sure why I got that way, and he asked me one seemingly simple question: could it be shame? It took a while for that question to sink in. But once it did, it just about floored me. Because I am ashamed of what I have done to myself. I am embarrassed about the way that I look, how much weight I’ve gained, my lack of self control…

I mentioned a few entries back that I had used all my previous journal entries to make a cool bit of infoporn about my weight. With 10 years worth of data, I found some very interesting trends. But what has me so torn apart – almost devastated – is the fact that I am currently 30 pounds heavier than I was when I decided I absolutely had to lose weight. Back in 1997. That’s bad, very bad.

The more I look at the chart, the more depressed I get. I see so much hard work eaten away. I see concretely what has happened, how I got to be this obese. And it just tears me apart.

Current weight: 323
Difference from last entry: +2
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -12.5

Hehehe… just call me Mr. Yo-Yo! The last couple of weeks have been interesting. Though I do have a very good excuse for the weight gain this week: travelling. I was out of town on business. And, unfortunately, the hotel that I was staying out was far enough off the beaten path that my only method of getting meals was having them delivered. And we all know just how healthy delivery meals are. There weren’t a lot of healthy choices, either.

For the most part, I had a decent breakfast and a healthy lunch. I am trying to expand my diet into foods that I don’t normally eat – for example a lot of veggies, fish, etc. I managed to do that for lunches while traveling. But dinners consisted largely of cheesey breadsticks, pizza or buffalo wings. That is not the way to lose weight!

On the plus side, it was only two pounds. And I am already seeing my weight go down. Part of it is what I am re-learning at Weight Watchers. Part of it is being able to choose healthier meals. And part of it is simply being more active at home and at work than I was while travelling.

I full expect that this week’s gain is a fluke, and won’t be repeated.

Current weight: 321
Difference from last entry: -2.5
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -14.5

Ah, what a difference a week can make. Due mainly due to the wackiness of my new job, I managed to trim the couple of pounds I put on the week before. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as hard as one might imagine, either. I lost using the age-old, time-proven method of eating less and being more active. I wouldn’t say that I exercised per se, but I’ve definitely been walking a whole lot more. Partly out of necessity – walking a floor up for meetings – and part planned. Activity is definitely helps out!

I had mentioned that a Weight Watchers at Work session is starting up. We had an information meeting this past Tuesday, and I signed up for the 17-week program. I think I mentioned how odd I found it that I could not actually say anything during the meeting, because I was afraid I would mist up. I am not sure why I was so emotional, but I think it is a combination of two emotions: Fear, that I won’t be able to lose again, and sadness at the fact that I have to lose all of this weight again. Choices I made years ago are still haunting me. I was down to 220 at one point. Now I’m far above the weight that made me want to trim down back in 1997.

But there are some promising signs, too. I am definitely fired-up to start in on the WW@w program. I know that I will lose weight again. I realize that I can’t stop along the way and think, ah, I don’t need to worry about this, I can do it on my own. I have found out that I cannot do this on my own. I need to stick to a program, I need to continue to get support. Whether this is a sign of maturity or simply coming to terms with my weaknesses, I’ll leave for my readers to decide.

I had forgotten some of the cool little tricks that Weight Watchers uses. For example, to get one’s activity level up, WW recommends parking your car in the furthest parking spot in a parking lot. This forces one to walk at least a little more. If one does this at work, then it causes one to walk a little more every day. And that’s the point! I am damned winded by the time I get to my desk, but that’s a good thing, I think. It’s a sign that I am forcing my body to use some energy.

I am encouraged and motivated. And I am ready to face what lies ahead.

Current weight: 323.5
Difference from last entry: +2.5
Difference from 2007 starting weight (335.5): -12

I’m hanging on, but struggling just a little bit recently. I got started on some bad eating habits when I got my new job, and have been using that as a reason to continue. Silly, I know. At first, I said I was celebrating the new job. Then I said I just didn’t have time to eat well with all of the extra work I am doing. Finally, I decided I needed to eat to combat the stress of the new job. All in all, we’re talking major denial on my part. And major excuse making.

But still, the tale of the tape is not too shabby at all. I’m still down 12 pounds this year. If I can continue just this, it’ll be the first time in a long time that I end a year at a lower weight than I started. I have a whole lot of infoporn to write about later. For now, I’ll just say that things are going better than they have recently. That’s still something to hang my hat on.

Also, we are starting up a Weight Watchers at Work program. I am so in. I already paid and got my materials. I’m looking forward to working officially with the program again. Today was the informational meeting, where they try to get as many people to sign up as they can. The leader asked if anyone wanted to share their goals, or what they wanted to get out of this session. And I couldn’t say anything, because I realized that I would probably tear up if I did. I need help getting this weight off. I need help getting healthy again. And what I really want out of this session is reinforcement that I can actually do this again.

It’ll be interesting to see where I go from here…