22 May

Allaying fears

Weight: 325
Difference since last entry: -4

I’ve gotta tell you, I was absolutely terrified of what the scale would show when I got up on it Tuesday at the Y. I thought for sure that it was going to put me at 335, maybe 340 pounds. Since my last entry in March, I hadn’t made much of an effort at all to get healthy. I wasn’t exercising, and I wasn’t watching what I was eating. I thought it would be very bad.

Instead, it was a tolerable 325. Definitely not good, but not as bad as it could have been. And now that I am going to make some type of effort to keep things under control, it should start getting better. Of course, that’s not going to happen overnight. And I need to prepare myself for that. I think I’ve been guilty of having unrealistic expectations. I expect to see a 5 pound drop every week. When that doesn’t happen, I get depressed, then just give up and go back to my unhealthy habits. I have to keep myself from doing this!

I made it to the Y both Tuesday and yesterday. 30 minutes on a treadmill plus 5 minutes cool down each day. And damn, did I feel how out of shape I am! In the past, a 30 minute workout would’ve been a good workout, something that got my heart pumping and a bit of sweat going, but nothing too strenuous. These past couple of days, though, I barely made it through the 30 mintues. When I finished, I could barely walk out to my car! Instead of taking me a few minutes to recover, it took an hour or two. I was completely wiped out by these workouts!

On the plus side, my workout on Wednesday was a tiny bit less strenuous than my workout on Tuesday. Hopefully, I’ll get to the point where I don’t immediately collapse after I finish just a 30 minute workout!

20 May

My poor neglected weight journal…

My poor journal. I have neglected it so. Two months without an update! And after I had just mentioned that I would be updating it on a more consistent pattern. I have fallen into such bad habits…

My pattern over the past few months has been to go to the Y, workout, feel wonderful, head to a computer and write about it, then not make it back to the Y for a month. So I end up with an entry every month or so saying, “I’m really motivated now! I’m going to be good, and I am going to post a lot!” And then, when I am not behaving as well as I thought I was going to, I feel like I can’t write more here, because I don’t want to admit that I am not as motivated as I thought. And that leads to a really bad (and unhealthy) circle.

I don’t know if I am about to repeat that cycle today. I fully intend to go to the Y and work out as soon as I can clock out (in about a half-hour). So is this entry just another celebratory post, not to be followed up on for another month or two?

I really do need to post here more often. Every day, if possible. One of the things that I really need is accountability. Right now, I can eat whatever I want because I am not accountable to anything. If I simply ignore that I am eating way too much, then I can do that and not feel bad. But I am feeling bad, and my health is deteriorating.

So I am setting a new goal right now. This is actually the same as the goal I set for my LiveJournal: two to three entries per week. I may not have much to say in them, but I am going to make myself follow through on them.

Because really, I have no other choice.