22 Apr

April 22nd, 2002

Weight: 321
Difference from last entry: +/- 0

Oops! I hope that I didn’t scare anyone here. My last entry is rather depressing, talking about the horrible figure that the scale at work showed me. And then, I disappear for over a week! In the past, when I’ve had major setbacks, I tend to disappear, sometimes for months at a time. I hope I didn’t scare anyone!

Actually, I am just kind of lazy. I didn’t want to post a journal entry without an “official” weigh-in. I can’t do an “official” weigh-in using the scale at work unless I sign a form and hand over an ID at the security station. That seems like far too much work to go through just for a weigh-in. So I didn’t put a journal update because I was too lazy to walk up to the security desk. That’s the kind of week I had.

The week before was actually something of an accomplishment for me. I actually got some exercise in! I walked for 25 minutes on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of that week (the 10th, 11th and 12th). I had a regression last week, not doing any walking at all. But I am trying to make that up this week. I spent the first half of my lunch today walking. I made myself keep going ’til I had a mile under my belt. All in all, I am pleased with my efforts at working exercise back into my routine.

I’ll tell you, there is no better way to judge just how bad weight gain is for a person than to start exercising again. A short walk, which a year ago would’ve barely had my breath quickening, now has me sweating profusely and completely breathless. Walking 25 minutes is a huge exertion on my part; it completely drains me. Just a year ago I could do 40 minutes and then spend some time lifting weights after the walk. Now, I just can’t do it. I am completely out of energy, and have to rest.

In a situation like this, there are two ways that a person could respond. One is to get embarrassed or depressed about the shape I am in and stop exercising. I have been tempted to do this; actually, that is probably exactly what happened last week. The second way is to continue working out, hoping to eventually get myself back into shape (or, at least, into better shape than I am in right now). I am hoping that this is what I am starting again by working out today.

You may notice that this sounds a little wishy-washy. And that is because it is. I cannot commit to anything right now. I am in a strange state of mind. I know what I should do, yet I have a hard time actually doing what I need to do. I know I need to avoid eating the apple pastry that is sitting on our breakfast nook. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t go ahead and eat it anyway. It’s a weird situation to be in; it’s even weirder because I’ve been stuck in this situation for a very long time. It is hard to remember the time when I wasn’t stuck in this.

Speaking about that time, I also am of two minds on the subject of my previous success losing weight. Once upon a time, I was able to lose a hell of a lot of weight. I kept myself under 250 pounds for a couple of years. I am rather proud of that. That was a long time ago, though. And, as the years pass by, I have to wonder if my previous success was a good or a bad thing (as it relates to my current attempts to lose weight).

It could certainly be thought of as a good thing. It is an example, proof that I have the will power within me to gain control of my life. As WeightWatchers would say, this is a trophy in my trophy room. I can take this trophy out every time I am feeling depressed or feel that I need some inspiration, and hopefully draw some inspiration from my past accomplishments.

But this could also be a bad thing. Because, no matter how good the accomplishment was, the fact is that I have gained everything back that I lost. Instead of being a trophy that I can look at for inspiration, this could be a 1,000 ton weight hanging over my head, reminding me of my failure, of my shortcoming.

So what is it? Is it good, or is it bad?

This is where my beliefs come in. Or should come in. Taoism is a religion (or philosophy, if you are argumentative) of balance and harmony. Taoism teaches that EVERYTHING has its good and bad sides. The key to everything is finding the balance of the good and bad (light and dark are more appropriate terms) and living in that harmony.

To apply this belief to the question of my past success: I can use my past success to give me inspiration in times of depression or low-motivation. However, I can also use anger of my failure as inspiration, also. As long as I can actually find the balance and harmony there, everything will be okay.

And my general rule is that, once I start talking about spirituality in a journal entry, it is time to stop typing. So I will stop typing right now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful spring!

– Miguelito

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